It being Black Friday weekend, and the kickoff of the holiday buying season, there are a lot of new pens floating around social media. Pen makers and dealers are posting them, your friends are posting them, and every Instagram account or fountain pen forum has people posting them.
As this time is upon us, I shall now put on my “Ms. Fountain Pen Manners” hat. This is how a person with good manners responds to someone’s vile new pen they absolutely hate, or someone’s attractive new pen that comes in a box they don’t like, or whatever tricky situation arises.
1. A new pen arrives in dealers’ hands and hits Instagram. The color repels you; the material is garish. It’s awful. But your friends go gaga for it.
You want to say, “What’s wrong with you?! Are you high? That is molten aqua/orange/violet nightmare-fuel.”
Readers, that’s probably a tad harsh. Instead, try to dial it back, with the non-committal “Wow.” Or, the honest “Colorful!” Or, the trying-to-be-positive “I love the rhodium trim.” Or, if you think you can get away with it, “Bless its heart.” The latter is a favorite of Ms. Fountain Pen Manners, because Ms Fountain Pen Manners delights in throwing shade.
2. A company issues a pink pen, in a tacky box, targeted at women. You, being a person who hates pink, is of obviously superior intelligence and thus has appointed herself the Queen of What Every Other Person Should Like, object to the pink pen’s existence.
You feel you have to say, “This pen demeans and insults women. Why do companies think women like pink? It’s an outrage.”
Readers, this situation is one step more difficult. Because, first, you have to get your head out of your ass. Only then can you trot out the “Wow.” Or, “Colorful!” Or even, “Bless its heart.” Or, if you absolutely must register your objection to a pen that is pink, try something honest but respectful, like, “I’m not a fan of pink, myself, but it’s nice to see something different.”
See how easy that is.
3. Someone you know, perhaps Ms. Fountain Pen Manners herself, has bought two gorgeous pens, but both are white.
You want to say, “What’s wrong with you? You know they make pens in colors now, right? Why two white pens? Do you have two favorite white inks?”
Readers, this appears challenging, but it’s actually pretty easy. No, you can’t go with “wow” or “colorful” here. But try, “How refreshing.” Or, “You don’t see that every day.” Or, “So useful: that would work with any ink color.” Turn a negative into a positive; that’s the essence of good fountain pen manners.
4. Everyone you know hates the Lamy Safari, and loves saying so, over and over. Online, in blog comments, in personal emails, in texts, and right to your face in personal conversations.
You just want to say, “Oh shove it up your patootey.”
Well, readers, I’ve considered that fully, over the course of many long years. And I have finally reached a ruling. It is okay, in this one situation. Alternatively, you could go with, “You are wrong, and your taste is bad.” Either would be perfectly appropriate.
Fountain Pen Follies 
[…] up to Canada again and play some poker. I may have mis-read her, but I do believe she went a bit Ms. Fountain Pen Manners on me, and for a second or two, I think her poker-face slipped. She didn’t quite say, […]
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[…] up to Canada again and play some poker. I may have mis-read her, but I do believe she went a bit Ms. Fountain Pen Manners on me, and for a second or two, I think her poker-face slipped. She didn’t quite say, […]
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[…] have to admit to feeling a bit Ms. Fountain Pen Manners […]
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[…] at least it’s not a Safari, with a bloody great big paper-clip stuck on its head—bless its heart […]
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[…] obviously a large array of colors and patterns that you can choose from to make your notebook more (with a respectful nod to Ms Fountain pen Manners) […]
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[…] Ms. Fountain Pen Manners: How to Respond to Someone’s Vile New Pen You Absolutely Hate, And More – at Fountain Pen Follies […]
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Reblogged this on The Serial Doodler and commented:
I’m going with “I love the Rhodium trim!”
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Lol, I absolutely love this.
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In the age of the internet, people have completely thrown manners out the door. They would never say these things to someone’s face but they won’t hesitate online. Sad commentary on today’s society.
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This post made me laugh out loud literally. I must remember the ‘bless it’s heart’ comment. 🙂 Thank you.
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As a southerner, I 100% approve of your use of “bless its heart”. If I don’t see that phrase popping up on IG from now on, I’ll be disappointed in the FP community 😂
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Of course, now I can’t use it myself, which is an unintended and unhappy consequence….
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The Safari, refresh my memory again… that’s the one with the giant paper-clip stuck on the cap? Bless its heart.
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Close! It’s the one that’s fresh and fun and has a killer design, for only $30. ❤️ 🧡💛💚💙💜
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Well, going by those standards, *I’m* fresh and fun and can be had for $30.00.
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See! It really is the perfect pen for everyone!
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Bless this post’s heart!
Of course I jest, because I’m the one sitting on the other side of the Instagram feed, thinking “You paid HOW MUCH for that garish monstrosity?” over and over again. But never out loud. That would be rude.
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😁 😉 Exactly. Unless they are mean about the Safari — in which case, it’s allowed.
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Thank you so much for the levity and good advice! I love this post, and would also enjoy more along these lines.
Happiest (and inkiest) of holidays to you!!
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You’re not the boss of me.
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Am so.
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Just watch.
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I absolutely love this post, and would write more, but I’m trying to extract a few Lamy Safaris and am having some trouble sitting at my desk…
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Absolutely the best post I have read in a while. Sage advice, and the use of the word “patooey”, love it.
Personally, I love white pens: any ink looks good coming out of them. I’d never give up my white Safari, never!
“Oh, bless your heart.” shouts volumes in a genteel way. The fact that it shouts “Were you dropped on your head as a child?” is irrelevant.
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